K-I-S-S-I-N-G

When I made stuffed baked leftover baked potato deliciousness a few weeks ago I wanted to google how to bake a potato in the microwave. But then I got distracted by the second to last suggestion "how to be a good kisser".

Que? Of course I was thrown off my dinner making course by this awesome search idea. Let me give you some background-- I think the meanest thing a person could say about me is that I'm a bad kisser. Call me a bad friend, stupid, or ugly and I can handle those. I can defend myself against those kind of accusations. But call me a bad kisser and OMG I have no defense! I mean... I've had repeat kissing customers. I have a boyfriend; if you have a boyfriend you are a good kisser, right? BUT WHAT IF I AM A BAD KISSER?

So, now you understand why this google search was eye opening for me. And now let me tell you about how it became HI-larious.

The first google response was from lifestyle.iloveindia.com and was written as a kissing tutorial for me (and I don't think just Indian men). I've taken the highlights of the article and left my comments in blue

It is said that just after one kiss, a woman comes to know whether you are the one she can spend her entire life with, or not. (oh please, if this was the case I would be spending my life with Daniel S, my first kiss who jammed his tongue down my throat at a football game, ah young lust) I’m sure that this one liner must have stressed the importance of kissing, for all you guys out there....

Kissing Tips & Techniques

• First things first! Make sure that your physical appearance is attractive. Otherwise, the other person will not even feel like kissing. (Not true if that person is wasted. Beer googles are always a good way to get a girl to kiss you)
  
• Kissing means using lips. (Oh shit. This explains so much...) Make sure you lips are soft and supple and for that, start using lip balm on a daily basis.
  
• Nobody wants to kiss garlic or onion or say, smoke. Do not kiss if you have just had smelly things for lunch or smoked cigarettes. At the same time, always keep mints with you, for that perfect fresh breath. (ALWAYS! you never know when you might need to plant a kiss after eating a tuna sami and smoking a pack)
  
• Always try different types of kisses. French kiss is not the only kiss in the world. (Just get ready for the list of kinds of kisses coming below. The can be summed up with three letters: WTF)
  
• Don’t become so lost in the kiss, so as to completely forget the other person. Be attentive to his/her non-verbal responses. (Creeping me out....)
  
• Lastly, be confident. Getting nervous while kissing is sure to make the beautiful sensations (still creeping me out. And why use bold on just the creepiest words?) end up in a mess. Just go with the flow.

Different Kiss Types

Many people believe that there are only two types of kisses - check kiss and French kiss. However, the realm of kiss is very vast. To know more, read on! (Ummm don't you know about the cow kiss where you fully lick someone else's head? no? must just be my friends...)

• In the Butterfly Kiss, you bring your face very close to that of your partner and then, flutter your eyelashes rapidly. (Okay... this is normal, I've heard of this... but I'm not going to break it out in a bar to seduce Chris)
  
• Earlobe Kiss involves sipping and sucking the earlobe of the partner. Since you are so close to the ear, do not make too loud noises. (Oh the mental audio here! slurp slurp slurp!)
  
• Considered an erotic kiss, Foot Kiss involves gently sucking the toes and then, kissing the foot very lightly. (SICK NASTY. seriously. the only way I'm putting a foot in my mouth is if it's thoroughly washed. nope. not even then. still making me want to barf.)
  
• Freeze Kiss, also known as Melt Kiss, is the one in which you put an ice cube into your mouth and kiss your partner, while passing the cube to his/her mouth with your tongue. (too. much. work.)
  
• While doing the Fruity Kiss, you put a piece of a juicy fruit between your lips. While kissing you nibble a part of the fruit, while he nibbles the other. (I like to call this The Lady and The Tramp)
  
• Hot and Cold Kiss involves first licking your partners lips to make them warm and then, blowing on them to make them cold. Keep alternating. (whhhhattt? I just imagine some poor 14 year old boy trying this and it becoming terribly awkward. ohhh or substitue 14 year with freshman in college and it gets even funnier)
• In Trickle Kiss, you take a sip of your favorite drink and then, trickle it into your partner’s mouth while kissing.(Yes, please dribble your backwash into my mouth... mmmmh the Fresca is delicious.)
• Wake Up Kiss is more about time than technique. Just before your partner is about to wake up, kiss him/her - starting with the cheeks and ending at the lips. Then, softly say - Good Morning! (In order to fully time this kiss stay up all night watching your partner sleep. Also quietly murmur "I love you pretty birdy. you're mine... all mine...")

Seriously? Who writes this stuff? Are people all across the world having "Trickle Kisses" followed by boldly kicking off their shoes and going for a "Foot Kiss"?

Don't worry kids. I have more kissing goodness saved up for tomorrow when I will share with you the most effed up test about kissing ever. Here, enjoy this sampling of what's in store: