Reformed

Let me start this out with a confession. I was a cold-hearted bitch in high school. I was insecure after being a "nice girl" through all of my elementary and middle school years. I went into my new high school with a determined agenda: be popular. I choose my friends based on who I thought was cool not based on who was a good person. I made enemies. I hurt people on purpose; making other people feel bad about themselves made me feel good. I had an innate ability to come at someone with a quick and debilitating insult.

Then the bottom fell out.

My "best friend" at the time, also a quick-witted bully, and I turned against each other-- over a boy. Typical, no? While it was terrible at the time I am so glad it happened. After the break up of my core friendship I started to change and grow. While I stayed friends with many of the same girls, I also gained the friendships of others. I started distancing myself from the worthlessness of drama, fighting, and intentional cruelty. By the end of senior year I would like to think that I had made amends for many of my insults. And I am lucky that now I have a core group of 7 amazing friends from high school who I see on a semi-regular basis and talk to frequently.

But I am sure I have classmates who still dislike me. And honestly, I'm okay with that. Not because I am better than them as I would have said in high school but because I know I wasn't always a like-able person. I know that I was wrong. I know I don't deserve everyone's forgiveness. I also know that I've learned and moved so far away from those low points.

I learned these lessons early. Lessons that many women I know haven't seemed to grasp yet. I don't involve myself with drama now. Yes, I do still listen to gossip and might discuss someone's unexceptionably odd behavior. But I try refuse to lower myself to be mean to someone. It's cruel and it does nothing more that make me feel weak and immature. In all honesty, I still struggle with the issue. What do I do when I read an email or blog post that is blatantly bashing someone? Attacking someone simply for who they are? Do I respond? Do I defend? Do I simply ignore? Being an adult is hard for so many reasons why make it harder by creating unnecessary drama?

To my dearest loves from high school, thank you for sticking with me for the last decade. Thank you for seeing me through hormonal crying jags, intense bitchiness, and many many many bowls of queso. I love you all and if you ever have an emergency call me. I'll be there. Even at 5 am on a Tuesday.